Heard yesterday ...

... as I entered the room after brushing my teeth and changing into my night dress, both the siblings lying down on the same pillow face to face with a smile and deep in conversation

Vansh - Jiya kaunsi kahaani sunaoon? (Jiya which story should I tell you?)

Jiya - aaannnn ..Giaff wali (aannn ..the Giaff one)

Vansh - Giraffe waali nahin aati (I don't know the Giraffe one)

Jiya - aaaannnn ...Monkey waali (annn ..the monkey one)

Vansh - monkey waali bhi nahin aati (I don't know that either)

Jiya - phir kaunsi aati hai (which one do you know then?) (this is where my jaw started to drop, she actually has the logic and the righht words to express that??!! when? where? how?)

Vansh - accha main monkey or metro train waali sunata hoon (Ok I'll tell you the monkey and metro train one) (oh yeah, you just have to meet Vansh for 5 minutes to realize thathe's obsessed with metro trains.)

And he then goes on to narrate a 2 line story where the monkey first boards the train to Ambience mall and then after having fun there boards it again to City Square mall. And is met with generous doses of boisterous emphatic laughter from the captive audience who can never awe her brother enough.

The winds of change ...

... have been blowing through the Sukhwani household for some time now. And bringing about changes in ways more than one. Changing a largely self centred toddler/pre-schooler into a child who thinks about others, feels for them and at times even puts himself in their shoes and empathises. Changing a shy child who shut himself off just watching from a distance as relatives and friends tried to talk to him, grew violent if someone pushed too hard, into a child who's learnt pleasant talk and a pretty cute one at that :), someone who doesn't hesitate to wave hello to a boy accross the road whom he has been seeing board his school bus at the same time as himself in the morning or to an elderly gentleman whom he sees in the park in the evening and who is becoming increasingly competent at striking a conversation himself.

It makes me wonder as to how these amazing changes take place. There must be a variety of reasons I can attribute these changes to. I remember noticing some of them and date them to as much as 9-10 months back. I remember talking to Ashwini about it when on a pretty crowded Dandiya night, he had asked me to accompany him to watch some of the older kids play. He had joined in, albeit for a few minutes, after a long time of watching and it was a big leap for him to take because not very long back he had preferred sitting in the car alone in the parking lot in front of the small lawn in which we practised for the same dandiya night because the crowd intimidated him. Even after coming back to India, he had been shy at most occasions and preferred to stay by the people he was close to. At the park in the evening, he called out to me or Jiya to play with him when other children played among themselves. He reasoned to me and to himself in the process that shouting, being somewhat rough with each other, negotiating their turns for batting/bowling/swinging all of which is a part and parcel of playing among a coterie of friends, made them bad children and so he didn't want to play with them. Now I see him as a part of the same coterie, still not as steady, not as sure of the small to-be-made decisions he is faced with everyday. I see it on his face when someone asks him for a ride on his bicycle and he contemplates because this one is a good friend but yesterday he has had an unpleasant experience with another child who refused to return it to him even after a good amount of time, the uncertainty in his voice when he too wants to bat and makes an attempt to fight for what he wants to do. I see him slowly getting there as he tries to make sense of the dynamics driving various relationships. He makes quite a few assumptions like he'll be called a silly boy just because he is new wanting to join an already formed group of friends or he'll be left out and not played with because he decides to not share his cycle. His actions thus look like the wobbly first steps of a baby as he walks the fine line between being accepted and being rejected. I see the effects of peer acceptance and peer influence shaping his personality.

As a parent, it makes me sit up and take note. I myself wonder about what my reaction should be, what should I tell him to do and how, which battles should I let him brave himself and which are the ones I should get into myself. I walk the fine line with him where I want my child to be accepted and liked by his peers and at the same time not be walked over. To be honest, I wonder when other mothers remark that he is very sweet to be so forthcoming about sharing his things whether he is being a tad too sweet. For though I wouldn't dwell upon it too much here but I do see the society including the children becoming a bit too intolerant and self centered at least to my comfort. So even though morals and ethics ask me to tell him to be loving and sharing, practicality asks me to also make him skilled to fight his battles when the need be. And so at times, I do tell him in a humored way, making it sound funny, to threaten the child who teases him and doesn't stop even after Vansh asking him to do so, that he's going to complain to his mom. At this point it has been working. I do walk up to the boy who rides his bicycle as if its his own totally ignoring the fact that its actually another child's who's been sweet enough to share it with him and ask him in sweet but firm tone to let him have it back. Children today have become mighty good with their arguments, I must say and so I don't expect them to always listen to a 4 year old and so I intervene.

Peer influence also means that we have to deal with rough behavior, unpleasant sounding words and tones which he clearly picks up from children at school/summer camp. While his teachers are all praises about him being a good and polite child at school, at home he does try out whatever he observes/hears other kids do. We are still at a very very primitive stage in dealing with this behavior because its just now that we have realised the reason behind it. Earlier we addressed the behavior as his own but now we realise the focus would have to shift a bit to make him understand and realise where its coming from and its effects. I would so appreciate help from readers/parents who have experienced this on ways to deal with it.

I see that this post has already become a long one. And so I'll sign off here - the thinking about others and feeling for them part I'll leave for part 2 of the same post :)

Happy jai jai jai jai :)

Dear Jiya

As I sit down to write your second birthday letter, the first thought as always is two years? Already? And the mind races back to the day and time it happened. At Michaels' right across our apartment building on July 1, 7:00 in the evening a sales associate asked me " When are you due?" and I told here " I am in labor right now!" and it was funny to see her reaction :)The ride to the hospital, who all I spotted on the way, the contractions, the joy on being told I was already 5 cms dilated all come back as clearly as they happened that day.

So to relive the joy of the day and the life ever since, let me pen dpwn the lovely and the not so lovely things you are upto these days :)

You talk in paragraphs now. "Jiya bhookha nahin laga, pyasi laga hai. Chana nahin do, pani de do." (Jiya is not hungry, she is thirsty. Don't give me chana, give me water) You like to assume the role of the entire family's caretaker when you ask whether everyone's taken a bath ,combed their hair and whether everybody's water been taken when we go out.

You sing turning even the simplest of sentences into loud laugh inducing pieces. So hard as we try to pretend to be fast asleep so that you also decide to do the same, a little voice falls in our ears singing" Elephant pillow pe soyega Jiyaaaaa", "Jiya ne dudhu pi liyaaaaa" and we burst out laughing joined in by delighted squeals from you as well. Even the classic 2 year old "nahin's" to every question we ask come as songs :)

Its amazing to see the various shades of your personality, sharing delightedly one moment, willing to give away everything you have and fighting fiercely the next for that one single block even if you have the whole box. The tantrums are fierce, lying down on the floor and screaming ones and nothing seems to work when they happen.

You refuse to walk more than five steps when we step out and ask to be picked up in mamma's godi. Except if we are in a quiet, cool, sparsely populated with people and densely populated with flora and fauna place like Kasauli and closer to home India Gate where you walk with a charming jig and humming a tune often. You also like to be held very close when we go to the park and I a stop to talk to friends even if there are other children you see on a daily basis playing around. But I am sure you'll realize soon that most of the fun happens away from mom rather than in her lap.

You used the end of your washcloth as a pacifier when you slept or in general when you felt the need to pacify yourself. thsi ahppened for the longest time, so much so, that its even recorded in your chacha's wedding video and pictures. I finally gathered the courage last week to do what it takes to take take away an addiction. Expectedly you have been dispalying withdrawal symptoms. So if I don't, for some reason, take you inside for sleeping while you are still in a good mood (which is when the above mentioned songs flow out), I have had it. Last afternoon, I spent over an hour and a half pacing the floor with you because you wanted to sleep in my lap being carried and the moment Ilaid you down seeing that you were fast asleep, you bawled and woke up. This happened thrice. And at times like these, its impossible to calm you down. Last week the game on my phone worked. Yesterday it didn't. Fianlly it was 'lakki lakki' (lakdi ki kathi) and 'bum bum bum' (bum bum bole) with earplugs in your ears that did the trick. I wonder who was more exhausted at the end of it when both of us slept like logs for two hours.

You are such an entertainer. The songs, the dances - whether its imitating steps while watching the latest Bollywood chart toppers on TV or singing "Saas gali dewe, te samjha samjha dewe" or singing "jai jai sai, jai jai sai" yourself and clapping and dancing to the the same, no one can help but smile at this charming little two year old, that's you. You make Vansh too laugh out so loud when you we ask you "papa kahaan gaye" and you reply "dance karne" or when I ask you "Jiya ko itna badmaash kisne banaya" and you say "Chacha ne" or when you sing "Happy jai jai jai jai" instead of "Happy Birthday to you." And all of this you do with much elaan as if you know so well that all that you are doing is being appreciated by the captivated audience.

You follow your big brother like an idol. So wanting water, not wanting water, wanting to eat chau (rice), not wanting to eat chau, wanting to drink froma sipper/cup/bottle, wanting to go potty, wanting the same red block - all happen in pairs. The result is hilarious at times and hair pullingly frustrating at others. But I have to tell you something. While I would like to be absolutely fair to both you and Vansh, many a times in order to maintain oeace when VAnsh is in a good mood, I do tell him to let you have your way. Most of the times he is pretty good about it. At others he does so grudgingly shotuing "Jiya gandi ladki hai." but he loves you to bits. Yesterday in part frustartion and part inquisitiveness as to how he would react, I offered to him to take you back and leave you in the hospital. In his way with clenched teeth and a voice which came out with a lot of force, which in my style would translate to an extremely teary eyed response, he said "Jiya acchhi lagti hai. USe mat chhod ke aao" (I like Jiya a lot, don't leave her in the hospital).

Whatever catches your fancy, you decide to do it innumerable times in day. So a while back it was playing with the magnetic letters which you demanded to be taken out the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night., then it was Vansh's transport puzzle and now the latest obsession is Leap Frogs' Letter Factory and Word Factory DVD's. You watch them at least 3 times in a day if not more.

And now the most special to me - I love the way you love me. I love the way you get me whatever it is that you are eating when I am in the kitchen and insist that I eat it from your hand, the way you ask for me first thing in the morning when yiu wake uo and walk out the door, the way you keep showering me with sloppy kisses and hugs and singing "I like mamma" as you do that, the way you look at me when I am feeling low as if you understand everything and then come close to me and cuddle and put your little face in the hollow of my neck. I love you sweetheart for all that and more. And I wish for you the very best always. I look forward to mothering you for yet another fun filled and eventful year for I know that it sure is going to be a big one. I wish for it to be filled with wonderful moments, loads and loads of love and happiness and joys.

Much love today and always
Mamma.

Forgiveness ...

.. is what I ask of you dear daughter for the last proper update I did for you was at 14 months and now you stand just 2 weeks short of your 2nd birthday!! *gulp* Before you shout "Sacrilege", let me just tell you that I have been making notes of the giant leaps which have been the last 10 months for you and I'll publish them here, just like that, in bits and pieces for your birthday :) I know you'll forgive me because finally there's one person for whom I know I am the world and that's you :) As for now, life's really cool for you.
You drink juice straight from the box and get away with it with just an impish smile and your signature coy expression of putting your hands on top of your face and giggling. You get to play the patient to a doting doctor you have for a brother.

And you get to watch your favorite videos with breakfast served right there.

Must feel like heaven, eh?!

And forgiveness is what I ask of you dear readers and friends for still not posting the promised Kasauli pics. Let's just assume that I have been keeping quite busy and I'll post them soon. So "Friends, I have been keeping quite busy and I'll post them soon! Till next time Chao!"

A weekend getaway to Kasauli

Am yet to upload pictures of the tranquil serene destination that we went to on a 3 day trip. We stayed at Gharkal from where Kasauli is another 3 kms. We also drove to Chail, another beautiful city in the same state that's Himachal Pradesh. There was nothing much to do and so all we did was relax, took walks in the small markets with the old city charm and the lovely trails which offered bountiful treats to the senses.

The view from the hotel room was very very soothing - vast expanses of mountains with trees all over, old rustic houses with their residents tending to their everyday chores beginning early morning. I set the alarm for 6' o clock in the morning because I absolutely love the early morning sights and sounds at such places but woke up even before the alarm rang. I went to the terrace first alone and then with Vansh who also woke up soon after and marveled at the scenery as he followed the rumbling buses going up and down the hilly roads and declared that we too ask his school bus to pick him up from this hotel where he was loving it (yeah thats his words not mine) and also told me not to worry as he would be late coming back from school because "Hotel door hai na!" (the hotel is far, no!)

I loved being able to wake up the next morning and read a book in bed, not having to worry about breakfast and packing lunches and sending Vansh off to school and then the kids snuggling close to me and laughing out loud on being tickled and poked and then waking up Ashwini by doing the same. The happy family picture portrayed in advertisement jingles was now my own and I thanked God through and through for that.

Vansh learnt the difference between the yellow number plate of a taxi and the white one of a private vehicle and spent the next two days pointing out one from the other.

He acted like such a darling big brother asking Jiya to take a nap as there was still some time to go before we reached, holding her hand to ensure her safety if the path became steep. In another instance, he called our room phone from his grandparents' room (it was a superhit pastime activity for him - calling up across rooms on the hotel intercom), realised that Jiya was asleep on the bed in our room and immediately cut the phone so as not to disturb her and came back to tell me the same.

The kids loved taking walks on the trails. While Jiya refuses to get down from my lap even if there are very few people around anyplace we go but she literally walked with a jig on the quiet and beautiful trails, the kids threw stones in the deep valleys beneath, picked up sticks and just beat around with them as I took pleasure in watching one of the sights I enjoy the most - kids revelling in the most simple pleasures Mother nature endows on us. They themselves quitened down to listen when the breeze blew causing the leaves to rustle, asking what it was or when they heard a koel cooing its sweet 'coo' and then imitated the same sound themselves.

I wanted to pen down these heart warming memories I returned with even though the pictures are missing. I'll most likely update the post with the pictures in a day or two.

Updates and the motherhood tag

God really is omnipresent. All you have to do is call him in your life and ask and he is there giving you hints, showing you signs in things you see, you read, people you meet and there joining the pieces together, you see they fit giving you your answers. And so as I struggled with the 'phase', I prayed to Him to show me the correct path, to give me more patience and strength and he started showing me the signs, one after the other in the form of friends writing to me - once again thanks so much Kodi's mom for the detailed mail with the empathy and the tips and then the wonderfully thought out post. You have sorted out your feelings and thoughts and in the process mine so coherently. The biggest lesson learnt is and I quote "Who cares a rat ass about what some random stranger thinks about my child?" Bang on right, you go girl! What comes to mind is the famous shloka from the Bhagwad Gita

Karmanyeva dhikaaraste ma faleshu kadachan

I pray to God to help me do the correct thing and I leave the rest to him.

Thank you Subha for this post of yours on letting some things be, taking joy in others and just learning along the way as you enjoy.

Thank you Tharini for always inspiring with your posts. Just this passage from one of your posts made me see things from a child's perspective and made me re-think my disciplining strategies.

"....Its not easy being them either. Its not easy being a child, who has no authority. Its not easy being told what to do all day long. Instruction after instruction belted out, in very impatient tones, hardly aware of the effect of such a thing. Words spoken in haste, actions stemming from harshness, a cold withering look, impatience to listen, overruling in a second.....how easily and how much all this becomes a habit."

Thank you each one of you who took the time out to empathise and comment and tell me that this too shall pass. Just knowing that other moms you appreciate and exchange notes with have been there at some point of time gives you a degree of comfort that its not something that I am doing thats making all this happen.

And thank you dearest mom for being my pillar of strength. You, who is a stickler for perfection and good behavior, told me that its okay. Its a phase that I have to display utter patience in, shower my love on him, win his trust and confidence so much that he actually looks forward to being good for me. The more I think about what you said, the more the statement unfolds itself for me making sense all along.

So we are getting there slowly and steadily. I am looking for more and more ways to say yes, trying to listen myself and teach him to listen when we speak, helping him cool down when he begins to lose it, tell myself that at least 1 in 10 times he'll remember what I told him and that'll be a start and cherish the moments when he tells Jiya "You are small Jiya but I am the elder one and so you can have a turn first, I'll wait for mine" or "Mamma I am going to look at the trees and the birds outside because I need to cool down." and I smile and tell myself that this indeed is a start. I know I am working hard as a parent and I have faith in God to not let that go waste.

And now the tag. Gauri and Sole tagged me to pen down five things that I like about motherhood.

- I love knowing a person so well - understanding how they are feeling just by catching those vibes; what they want even before they say it (its not tough at all you know, milk at 7:30, 4 and 9; toffees whenver they see the door to the shelf opening; my phone whenver they see it in my hand). Jokes apart, the pride in understanding what it is they are saying, even if something trivial - the baby words or our own words we invent for certain things and then explaining them to others as they wonder - oh did she again call that monkey a compey? Oh the wet tables that he claims makes him strong are actually the vegetables :). And the bigger feelings - knowing exactly what'll make them giggle, squeal with delight, frown with dismay and shout with anger.

- I love that feeling of being indispensable at least for now. I don't want it to stay that way but am enjoying it while it lasts.

- I love the amount and kind of self introspection one has to constantly do, the looking within to find the answers, analysing our own behavior, the constant evolving as a parent.

- Needless to say the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, the sight of neatly combed wet hair, droplets of water on those tiny little legs, the variety of expressions on my son's face as he gets off from his school bus each day followed by the story explaining them, the pride on their face as they beam "dekho dekho" after a job well done even if my daughter chants the same phrase after successfully pooping in her potty. Taking joy in absolutely ridiculous yet adorably cute phrases that kids come up with - "Mom, I finished all the candies in the box - I am going to be so strong now!" or "I'll brush my teeth so the ants can't come inside my mouth and bite them." - you have to be a mom to cherish and then actually blog about them.

- The feeling that God has actually chosen me as an instrument to actually shape the lives of these two human lives who are my children, that I am so hugely responsible for catering to their needs, for giving them the right kind of values. If a feeling can be both proud and humbling at the same time, its this one.

Here are the rules

Just write a post of your own (5 things that you love about being a mom/dad) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country (Google is a good resource if you don't know any; google any country name and 'mom/dad' in their blog search function) (be sure to let them know that you've tagged them!) - and link back here and HBM and leave a comment.

Now this post has been lying in my drafts for a while, so I am publishing it here without tagging anyone else. I'll do the tagging bit in a while.

My child would never do that ...

Ten years back as I sat on my bed, among a pile of books and notes, concentrating hard for my exam the next day, a loud scream disturbed my chain of thoughts and literally gave me a jolt. I wondered what it was when another one followed and then the next till the ear deafening shouts became constant accompanied by loud guffaws. That was the child of my next door neighbor standing in the balcony, screaming on top of his voice for no apparent reason other than the supposed pleasure listening to his own loud voice and looking at others' extreme reactions brought him. I shut the door of my room, cursing under my breath and said to myself "My child will never do that."

NOW HE DOES. As I visited my parents this Saturday, Vansh did exactly that. He stood in the balcony and shouted at the top of his lungs without any reason whatsoever.

Flashback, once again. I and my parents were visiting some distant relatives after a long time. As is customary, they set some plates with biscuits, chips, savories, etc on the table for us to have. The 4 something year old boy entered the scene. My mom tried to strike a conversation by saying "Hello, what's your name?" only to be given a royal ignore. He proceeded to the plates on the table and started devouring the chips with his not so clean fingers and the natural lack of finger dexterity spilling as much as he was eating. His mom tried in vain to take him away by offering the same chips in a separate bowl. He insisted that he wanted to eat from that very plate at that very spot. As the mother raised her voice, the child declared loudly, "You are bad. I'll hit you!" Once again I found saying to myself, "Oh my gosh! My child would never do that."

Today I am the harried mom and that child is my own son.

I find myself worrying sick these days as to how to handle the misbehavior, the back talk, the constant pushing of buttons. Its as if I have to be with him every single waking minute to keep him occupied, which is a major task in itself, to keep him from indulging in behavior he knows he isn't supposed to be doing. Loud no's, whines, screams, I'll hit you seem to be the order of the day.

Everything is an issue these days from getting up in the morning, drinking his milk, taking a bath, you name it and we are struggling with it. And here I am not talking of some days when he is more tired than usual because of a hectic or sleep deprived weekend. Lets just decide not to talk about them at all for now. Till some time back, counting till 10 worked very well for us. So it was his choice whether he wanted to come to brush his teeth himself till I counted till 10 or else I would carry him. I was fine both ways as long as the teeth got brushed. Now many a times, he doesn't budge till 10 and then I have to carry a 4 year old with an uptight body and flailing arms and legs who runs back to the position I picked him up from and insists on coming himself, all the while screaming "You are bad, I am going to hit you." The scene repeats on being asked to take a bath, to come to the table for his meals, to go the restroom before he sleeps and innumerable other times during the day.

Now I have always tried to feed both the kids at the same time so that I can be done with the feeding in one go. The entire family eating together just doesn't work out for us because the kids decide to act super animated. Even me eating with them hasn't been working out for the past few weeks because I have to work really hard acting out rhymes with exaggerated expressions or playing silly games to keep them from running away from the table, the basic minimum requirement to feed them. Letting them be if they don't want to eat doesn't work for me at all because I have come to the conclusion, after much experience, that I am just not wired to handle a hungry cranky kid. So I am prepared to work very hard to feed them at the right time rather than having hungry unmanageable kids at my hands. In spite of that, there are times, he just refuses to come to the table. May be he is not hungry, you say. That's ruled out because he has not had anything unusually filling today. I can read the signs that he is hungry. May be the food is not to his liking - well, he hasn't even looked at it. I try to entice him by singing his favorite rhymes with Jiya, reading his favorite books with her and telling him he can join in when he is ready to eat. He whines and cries because he wants to join in without having to eat the food accompanied by the chanting of his favorite words "You are bad, I am going to hit you."

I have been trying very hard - reading books (Raising a spirited child) with just the right explanation for his behavior, finding ways to say yes minimising the no's myself, trying to make him feel in control of certain things, spending time with him on activities he likes which earlier worked like a charm. I scour the Internet for worksheets he loves doing - connecting dots, anything with cars, trucks, airplanes in it, matching objects. I sit down with him to make airports and parking lots out of Lego blocks. We paint using water colors together. We go the park every single day where he does physically tiring activities like cycling or running. I let him watch pictures and videos, which he so loves, almost everyday for half an hour. And yet the minute I have to attend to something else, he snatches something from Jiya to make her scream and cry; he fills water in whatever he can lay his hands on and spills it every damn where; he moves around furniture making that irritating squeaking sound. And boy at the risk of sounding mighty proud, I can say so myself the amount of patience I have been displaying is not funny. All in an attempt to tell him the right way of dealing with things when he is angry himself. The consequences at times don't bother him at all. For instance, he would be very happy to spill water and equally happy to then mop it up. If only he could do a good job of it. In the last two days, he has himself slipped once and Jiya twice in the mess that he has created. And this after I let them play in the bathroom for at least 15-20 minutes everyday.

Things become worse when we have guests in the house. He decides to scream, tells them random things (like the other day, on being asked what his name was, he actually said "Raghav?!" and that he studies in some school he doesn't actually study in), if at all he decides to talk to them. Eating from plates on the table, screaming, you name it, he does it. So one of us literally has to be with him inside doing something. Its as if we are constantly looking at ways to please him and I feel like such a helpless parent who is playing a losing battle and failing miserably at it.

After he has cooled down, I try to go through with him with what just happened. Many a times he opens up and tells me what caused the anger or why he behaved in a particular way. I tell him constantly that while its okay to be angry but its not okay to yell and shout at others or hurt others either physically or by saying hurtful things. What worries me further is that when I try to put him in the same position and ask him how would he feel if say his friend Ayush were to speak to him like that, he says "I will hit him so that he doesn't speak to me like that." I tell him stories about the two goats who fought on a narrow bridge and as a result, both of them fell in the water and drowned where as on the other hand the two goats who solved the problem peacefully. Somewhere I feel something registering till the next time he gets angry and says the same hurtful things making me wonder whether i just imagined that. I tell him how he has to be kind to make friends, I read him books about the same and then at times at the end of it, he just starts saying "I am a bad boy. Nobody likes me. I don't want any friends. I'll just play myself." It breaks my heart.

I find it so hard to enjoy the happy moments which follow. As he giggles and shows me something he has seen or made, I find it hard to play along and laugh with him when just moments ago he was a different person altogether. I never seem to be sure of the approach that I am taking - am I being too lenient for him to be behaving like this or too strict to make him think and say things he does. I wonder ... Go on, please please tell me I am not alone.